Today should have been your due date.
Today should have been the day that our little family was eagerly awaiting your arrival, if you hadn’t decided to show up earlier on your own.
Today should have been the start of our lifelong journey together.
Today, I should have known your face.
Today, I should have introduced myself to you as your mama.
Today, I should have heard your cry for the first time.
Today, I should have felt the weight of your body against mine.
Today, I should have been able to start protecting you from the world outside of my body and helping you navigate this new life of yours.
But instead, today, I think of who you might have been.
Today, I think of how you would have fit into our family.
Today, I grieve the fact that we won’t get to know your face, your eyes, your toes.
Today, I am mad at my body for betraying us and for taking you away from me.
Today my heart is heavy.
Today I don’t know how to feel.
Without you and without losing you, we would never know the baby that is to come after. We would have never had the opportunity to meet our (still growing) rainbow. I am grateful that you paved this path for her. But it is not the path I would have chosen for you, if it were up to me. If my body didn’t let us both down. I would have loved to have met you. I would have loved to have been your mama for longer than what felt like the blink of an eye. I would have been honored to know you.
Today should have been your due date.