Normalize not asking couples when they’re having kids
Updated: Dec 6, 2020
Did you read that title? No? Shame on you, you always read the title first, you rebel. Now go read it. If you did read it, gold star! Now go back and read it again. Reread it. And keep reading it until you no longer ask couples when they’re going to have a child or subsequent children.
I don’t know why people feel like it’s appropriate to ask a couple when they’re going to have a baby, whether it’s their first, second, or fifth. It is inappropriate as F*#% to pry into a couples’ personal life like that. Do you realize what you’re really asking? “Are y’all just having sex for pleasure? Or are you having sex with a purpose?” Does that not make you as uncomfortable as it does me? I’m no prude, but y’all…. Come on.
And guess what? Not every couple wants children. And that’s fine. Not every couple can have children. And that’s not fine. And asking about it brings up unspoken pain you know nothing about. Pain that is then at the forefront for this couple, who are now trying to decide how to delicately respond to you, while also keeping themselves from falling apart and breaking a little bit more. Shame on you.
Questions or statements like:
“Oh, he/she’s a year now, so when are you going to have another?”
“Well, you don’t want them to be too far apart in age, so you really need to start thinking about that.”
“Are you trying? Or are you just not being careful and if it happens, it happens?” (Which is an actual question I was asked after offering up literally ZERO information. It was just assumed that we were spraying and not praying, after I decided not to answer the initial “are you trying?” question.)
Why are people so comfortable making a couple’s sex life and family planning any of their business? Like they are owed your next move. They want to know when you’ve done the deed and if it was spontaneous or done with the knowledge that you were maybe ovulating.
Listen up, Karen’s of the world. What happens between my husband and I in our bedroom and our family planning is actually NONE of your business. If anyone feels they want to make it their business, then please be prepared for me to pry as personally into yours as you just did mine.
And you know what’s shocking? I have been pretty outspoken about my most recent miscarriage, thinking that as an added bonus from that, it might somehow protect me from people putting themselves in my bedroom with my husband and me.
But somehow, people pry. And continue to pry, despite knowing about the devastating loss I will have to come to terms with for the rest of my life. It was like as soon as Addison hit a year old, all of a sudden, it was a normal, and common, topic of conversation for just about everyone.
And it actually hurts. It hurts when people ask me, especially because they know what I have been through. I should be celebrating milestones with what would have been my second child. But I lost that child. Despite the pleas and prayers and tears willing that baby to hold on, I lost. And every time you ask me when I am going to have another, I am reminded of that. I am reminded of the pain and the blood and the loss I didn’t want.
So, before you think about asking a couple when they’re going to have children or try for another, please just don’t. You don’t know what happens behind closed doors, nor should you, unless that information is offered up to you. You don’t know if that couple has decided that children are not for them and being constantly asked about it is annoying and frustrating. You don’t know if that couple is secretly pregnant and waiting to tell everyone until they’re ready. You don’t know if that couple has suffered loss after loss and desperately wants to have children, but it hasn’t happened for them. You don’t know if by asking them that question, you just reminded them of one of the most painful experiences they have been through as a couple. You. Just. Don’t. Know. And guess what? It’s none of your ever-loving business.
So, for the love guys, quit asking. Find something else to talk about. Find something else to connect over. Find anything else and never ever utter those words to another couple again.
**featured image by Addison Studios**