I cry when I see people sharing their pregnancy news. Almost all of the announcements that I have seen are ones that will be due well after we are set to have our daughter. I feel rotten having a reaction like this to other people’s happy news…. But I can’t help it.
I am so anxious for anyone to find out that we are pregnant again. And I feel so jealous that other people get to feel confident in sharing their news, seemingly so early.
I had a full-blown anxiety attack before my first doctor’s appointment. Ask Brittany or Michael. They can corroborate. I was in tears leaving the house. I didn’t want to go. But I couldn’t bare skipping it and not knowing either. The worst part was that Michael couldn’t go with me. If something was wrong, I was going to be alone in that sterile room to deal with it. To figure out how to put one foot in front of the other as I walked out of there to my car. And then somehow again walking through my own door to break my husband’s heart all over again.
I have had similar feelings at every subsequent appointment I have gone to. Hoping that everything turns out okay and knowing that I will be alone with my doctor and only my doctor if not.
I am almost halfway through my pregnancy and I still don’t know if I’m going to make an official announcement of our sweet girl’s pending arrival. I can’t seem to let my heart fully accept the fact that we’ll see her sweet face. Because what if we don’t? What if this is all ripped away from me, too?
I am pregnant. I am feeling kicks. I have been sick as a dog. I have heard her heartbeat on a regular basis. I am happy and excited. But I am terrified. I’m terrified to want it. I’m terrified to be happy, even excited, about the sweet baby girl growing in my belly. I am terrified to dream of and plan for the future. I’m terrified to even say it out loud. And jealous of those who aren’t or appear not to be feeling the same heavy feelings I am.
Why do others get to float through their pregnancy not batting an eye? Why do I feel like I have to keep this pregnancy hidden from most people to protect myself, my heart, my growing daughter?
I am terrified that the moment I make it public, the moment I say it out loud, it will disappear like blood down the drain, just like my last one. Just like the last time I was pregnant. And because of that, I have been incredibly nervous to put anything down in writing. I feel like the moment I do, the moment I recognize this as what I want, it makes it real. And I can’t protect it anymore.
I read a post on social media a while back that said, “infertility is jealousy of other people’s pregnancy announcements while you are pregnant.” And I feel that. I hate that I feel that. I hate that my first reaction to other people experiencing what I perceive as their joy is jealousy and tears. Jealousy because they are openly celebrating. And tears because I so desperately want to, but just don’t feel comfortable doing it myself.
And why? I am nurturing my own tiny human right along with them! I am housing my joy. I am growing my joy! I am on my way to meeting my joy.
But then… what if I’m not.
I don’t know when I will be able to fully accept that we might see this pregnancy through to the end. It may not be until after our daughter is in the world, I am holding her, and I know that she is safe. I just don’t know. But until then, I will see others posting pregnancy announcements and I will be shattered with jealousy and sadness. Because infertility IS jealousy of another person’s pregnancy announcement even when you’re pregnant yourself.