Updated: Dec 6, 2020
I cannot be what you need me to be right now. I cannot be your shoulder to lean on. I cannot be your voice of reason or someone to bounce things off of. I just cannot take on anymore of anyone else, no matter how big or small.
The reason? I need to be those things for me. I need to put me first.
I’m so sorry if I told you I could be your person right now. I didn’t mean to lie to you. I am truly only just now realizing that I just can’t.
I need space to process my very big, very real feelings. I need time to take the feelings as they come and really lean into them. Because I have not been doing that, and it is pushing me toward a huge breaking point. I feel it. I’ve been here before, for a very different reason, and it broke me down to the point that I wasn’t sure I would ever be whole again.
I have a tendency to pour very heavily into the people around me, at the expense of myself. And I tend to do it more when I am dealing with my own demons. Call it one of my character flaws. Perhaps it’s my way of coping with a trauma. Except it doesn’t allow me to cope at all. On the contrary, it would have me take on the weight of everyone else’s problems.
When I am feeling heavy and cloudy and lost, I want to make sure that no one else feels that way. I love helping people feel lighter and am genuinely honored that people can unload some of their weight on me when they need to. But in turn, I feel heavier. And right now, I feel the heaviest I have ever been.
I simply cannot be what you need me to be. I just can’t.
I need to remember me. I need to pay attention to me. I need to put me first. I need to make sure that I am okay and processing my trauma before I can take on the weight of the world again.
So, please don’t be offended that I can’t be the friend, daughter, sister or wife that you need. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.
Repeat: I need to put me first.
I so desperately need to curl up and feel all the things as they come. Like reeeally feel them. And if I’m lucky, I will emerge a new person, shattered but starting to come back together.
Please don’t be mad. Please be kind. Please try to understand. And if you can’t do any of those things, please just give me space.
I really need to put me first.