Updated: Dec 2, 2020
This year has been HARD, in all the obvious ways and in ways I never expected either. When COVID first began changing the way we operated, I remember thinking it would be great to be home more. Obviously, I wasn’t excited about the underlying reasons, but I did think it could be a decent reallocation of time. And it has been. But it’s also been really, really hard.
This year has had me question everything from my relationships and motherhood to myself.
2020 is the year that I finally broke.
2020 is the year that ushered me into counseling.
2020 is the year that forced me to actually face demons that have long been hiding in my closet.
2020 is the year that made me wonder if I’d make it to 2021.
But 2020 has also been absolutely everything I never knew I needed.
It’s amazing, isn’t it, how being stuck in the same four walls forces you to look “in” instead of distracting yourself with continually looking “out”?
2020 is also the year that I rebuilt myself.
2020 is also the year that I looked long and hard in the mirror.
2020 is also the year that I decided my demons would no longer grip my future.
2020 is the year that I will certainly remember for the rest of my years.
I never expected this time at home to make me question my relationships. But it did. There are people I thought I could always lean into. But, when I looked up, I realized they weren’t really genuinely there. People that I continuously show up for that couldn’t show up for me in return. It shed light on who will choose me and who may not. And that’s okay. I’ve made a lot of peace with it.
I never expected having unlimited time with my beautiful daughter would make me question whether I was cut out for motherhood. But it did. And learning how to step away, ask for help, delegate, and recognize my needs as an individual has made me a better Mama.
I *never* expected to question myself. I’ve felt sure in who I am and my ability to handle life’s punches for many moons now. But I did. And I came almost totally unraveled. But with some support and guidance, I have stitched myself back together and I feel stronger than ever.
So here’s to 2020.
The year I never wanted. But the year that I needed and the one I’ll never forget.
I’m thankful for all that it has taught me.
I am thankful to be coming out stronger and more whole.
I am thankful for everyone who helped push me through the slump.
It truly takes a village and I’m sure glad for mine.
Now, hurry it up, 2021.
And please be kind.
We’re ready to put this one in the rearview.