Today was not a good day. And when I say it was not a good day, I don’t mean we didn’t get out of our pajamas and we ate dry cereal at every meal. It was not a day where the baby fussed a little… Or Addison threw a fit because she wanted me to hold her but I was holding Meredith… Or Addison wanted her shoes off and then was mad that they were off and proceeded to convulse on the floor because of it. All of these days have happened. But that is not what I mean. I mean today is a day I will look back on for a long time with regret. Today was a day that I feel like I don’t deserve to be a momma.
I did not handle things well and I had to do a lot of apologizing.
The dog shit in the house. Addison kept slamming doors shut in my face as I was trying to move throughout the house. Meredith decided “fuss” was the only mode she knew and I just blew up in a way that I am not proud of.
I feel like I have done an okay(ish) job of balancing two kids. It hasn’t been easy, especially now that Addison is officially in toddlerhood and is really testing boundaries and figuring out what her opinions are (and BOY DOES SHE HAVE THEM).
But can I be honest? I knew this day was coming. I didn’t necessarily know that my reaction would play out like it did, but I felt the breaking point. I’ve seen it just off in the distance for a while now, and it just so happened today was the day I reached it.
I am a work-from-home/ stay at home mom of two young children in the middle of a global pandemic. I am it. All day, every day, I am what my kids get. I don’t have anyone to back me up or step in when I need to tap out. It’s me- in all my broken glory.
I constantly feel like I am failing. Addison acts up and acts out because she needs attention from me, but I can’t seem to ever give it to her because Meredith hates naps and is only happy when she is held. Addison is underweight, to the point that her doctor has raised concerns, but guess what she does because she’s an opinionated toddler? Refuses to eat. She melts down and falls apart more than she doesn’t and Meredith is right behind her.
It is exhausting to feel like you are trying your best, doing everything you know how to do and somehow, your kids tell you (without telling you, cause, ya know, they’re kids) that it’s not good enough; that they need more.
And what’s worse? I have no more of me to give. I am maxed out. I somehow figure out how to give when I am running on empty, day after day.
I have needed a mental day for months. But do you know what you don’t get in parenthood? MENTAL DAYS. Michael works outside of the house and is for sure the breadwinner in our home (right now- I have big plans to change that one day). Him taking a day off so that I can take a day off just isn’t realistic. And the sad thing is, even if he did…. What the hell would I do? We’re still very much in a pandemic. Which means I wouldn’t be able to physically leave the house… Which means I am still very accessible to all of the living beings in my home. It means I am still mom.
It is hard being the one they default to. The one to get their snacks, the one to get them dressed, the one to change their diapers, wipe their tears, keep them entertained and fed and rested and happy. It is an exhausting, around the clock gig.
It feels like at every point of my day, somebody needs something from me. The dogs need food or exercise or attention or to relieve themselves. The kids need meals or hugs or snuggles or one-on-one time. My boss needs emails sent or contacts contacted. Everybody needs clean laundry, food, clean dishes, a meal plan…
And I do it. I make sure to do all of these things for everybody else. And I. Am. EXHAUSTED. I have never hurt more, physically, in my life. I ache, all the time. And I don’t get to give my body the reset because night times are not rest times anymore.
Right now, in this moment, I am tired. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being the planner, the doer, the fixer, the problem solver, the listener, the soother.
I am responsibility-ed out. I am touched out. I am mommed out.
So, there it is. Today sucked and I am upset with myself for how it turned out. I wish I had some tidbit of knowledge to leave you with or some inspirational something to make this feel a little less doomsday-y. But I just don’t. Today was not a good day. And sometimes, I think it’s okay to show that too.